Crawling

I feel like myself for the first time in maybe two months. Maybe since NOLA? Maybe longer?

After last week of being so demolished by a cold and morning sickness that walking was a chore, I felt lost. I felt weak and foreign. Then my cold broke enough.

This week, sick or not, I stopped fucking around. I hit the weights at the gym at work. I made it prenatal yoga. I went running–twice so far. And it didn’t feel like abject torture the whole time.

I worked harder this week to abandon my inner coach. After years of training myself to ignore my body and its whining, I turned to start heading it, adjusting for it. I worked harder to abandon pace expectations and self critique.

I let the run be the run.

Or jog. Or near walk at this point. Whatever. I let it be.

I discovered that when I did not try to push my pace to it’s more “normal,” I did not want to die the whole time. I need to let myself be slow(er). It doesn’t matter right now. I just want to run with my baby; I just want to keep my progress for when I return to training post partum.

I pushed myself at run club tonight but in moderation, which is something I am not familiar with. We did not do the full 10K, instead a modified 5 mile route. I strived to wog up both the killer hills, letting myself do it lethargically, but I managed to make it without stopping. That challenge, that minor accomplishment made it felt like running again. That push brought back the high and the endorphins.

I feel like I’m actually getting back on track. I am hoping the sickness and the nausea are moving behind me, but I’m not overly optimistic yet. When I see a week without puking, then I’ll hope. Right now, I’m on day two.

My blisters are back. My muscles are tired and whining. My hips ache. I feel like myself again.

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About ChrstnaBergling

Colorado-bred writer, Christina Bergling knew she wanted to be an author in fourth grade. In college, she pursued a professional writing degree and started publishing small scale. With the realities of paying bills, she started working as a technical writer and document manager, traveling to Iraq as a contractor and eventually becoming a trainer and software developer. She avidly hosted multiple blogs on Iraq, bipolar, pregnancy, running. In 2015, she published two novellas. She is also featured in the horror collection Collected Christmas. Bergling is a mother of two young children and lives with her family in Colorado Springs. She spends her non-writing time running, doing yoga and barre, belly dancing, taking pictures, traveling, and sucking all the marrow out of life. View all posts by ChrstnaBergling

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