I don’t want this blog to be a pregnant bitchfest…
…which is why I haven’t posted here for a bit.
That and because I haven’t been running much either.
Running has been at a steady decline this pregnancy. Nothing has been going well this pregnancy. I’ve 5 months in, and I’m still crazy nauseous and puking; I’m still taking my narcoleptic meds.
In short, I’m still just a miserable mess.
I have resolved to just embrace the suck. I am no longer waiting for the sickness to pass; I am no longer heartbroken when the sickness flares up again. This is just my pregnancy. However, letting go of being able to run and the sanity and the enjoyment running brought me is harder.
I’m trying to just push through. Instead of trying to run 8 miles, I’m trying to run 3 miles. Yet even that is still killing me. I was running 30 miles a week and did a fucking half marathon in FEBRUARY, yet now, less than 3 months later, I’m lethargically puffing my way through a 5K.
It does not make sense to me. It is, bluntly, fucking infuriating. I’m in withdrawals for my outlet, for that high. Apparently, I do not create endorphins when I’m pregnant; all my work only spawns more nausea. They better be stockpiling in there for labor.
But I keep trying. I do 3 miles instead of zero. I run when I’m nauseous; I keep wogging when I get more nauseous. I walk when I have to, but I do something. I still register for races.
The only reason I am doing any of this–the ONE reason–is to not have a lapse, to not have to train back up from zero after the baby is born. I am relying on the fact that I can return to it and love it again post-partum.
I loved it enough to struggle through the misery to return to it. I hope I can love it that much again.
Now I just do not know what to do for my outlet, what I can do to balance my brain chemistry, what can be my physical sanity. I’m just over feeling like shit.