I haven’t been posting here lately. I have been busy preparing for my upcoming book, which takes all of my free time, and I haven’t been running. So this blog has been left neglected and hibernating.
I have a particularly addictive personality. I don’t do anything a little, and I suck at moderation. It’s just how I am. This is not necessarily always unhealthy. It is apparently in how I run and how I write, both good outlets for borderline obsession.
Of course, it is unhealthy too. I have wrangled and outgrown most of my poor decisions; however, sugar became my latest substance addiction.
It started when I did my big diet in my 20s. I was at least 50 pounds overweight and got a personal trainer and started calorie counting and worked out at the behest of my doctor. I (shockingly) went hardcore with it, one might say addictive or obsessive, and lost the 50 pounds in about 6 months. I liked sweets fine when I was fat but preferred salt. However, once I cut the calories, I craved the sugar. My trainer said it was my body’s way of trying to supplement energy in a calorie deficit.
The diet passed, yet the sugar addiction only seemed to grow. I have always been an emotional eater, and I was no different with this new, increased love of sugar. No matter how healthy I ate otherwise, refined sugar was always too much of a part of my diet.
After failing to control my sugar addiction and reading about the chemical ways it is physically addicting and bla bla bla, I was talking about wanting to do a sugar detox. I wanted to cut myself off for a chunk of time so I could hopefully start eating it normally and in moderation. Little did I know that Michelle would hop on that bandwagon and want to swear off sugar for the whole month of June while I was pregnant.
But she wanted to do it, so I figured, fuck it, might as well. And we gave up sugar for the month of June.
The first two weeks were hell. I was angry and cranky. I wanted to cut someone’s throat for chocolate. I thought about it constantly. It felt like everyone around me was perpetually binging on the refined sugar I wanted.
Yet by the last week, it started to hurt less. I started to care less. I had my first sugar all lined up in my head (Kit Kat and Slurpee), but when the day came, I didn’t even want it. When I did finally eat it, it made me nauseous.
It was all very strange and wonderful. It may have just worked. I have started eating sugar again, groping at moderation. I can feel myself easily slipping back into habits, but so far, I have been able to control myself. I feel better. I don’t feel like I need it anymore, which was ultimately the whole goal.